Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Time and Changes

Fall is my favorite season. Cold air nips the remnants of summer away, turning well-sunned green leaves into the sultry, deep colors we are all familiar with. The wind brings change, forcing a reluctant spell of warmth and ease into something that requires more attention and detail. Fall weaves beauty effortlessly and reminds me change can be subtle.

I find people friendlier in fall. Is it the chilliness that draws us to cozy up to one another? Is it the general appreciation we all feel towards the wondrous things occurring around us? We dawn our little hats and gloves, smile, then idly live while the unstoppable changes happen around us.

I had a horrible dream last night. I woke up filled with stress and sadness, shaking like a leaf. People who love me, who have supplied my life with advice and comfort became critical, harsh, and disapproving, all condemning me to an eternity of suffering and penance after life. Change was unstoppable; I was helpless. I looked at my dream this morning, tried to examine what it meant. I talked it over with my sister and she clarified things for me in a way few people can. She told me that change, the decisions I "need" to make, the pressures from everyone, even from myself can be forgotten. Taking time, not acting, is equally if not more important than immediately deciding upon things. I feel criticized from everyone important in my life; I feel condemned and looked down upon. I feel hopeless.

So, unlike fall, which is an unstoppable change, a change that comes almost effortlessly, quietly, the changes that occur in my life and when I decide to act upon them can be settled on my terms - pressure on all sides can be ignored, even from myself. We're all so impatient, acting on decisions so quickly, never giving time a chance. I am in repair, a slow, painful overhaul that must happen. I must reject ideals, re-examine them, and take time to decide for myself what must be done. I must question and listen.

Give me time.

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