Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Little Trials

I feel alone, ugly, discarded. I try not to be horrifically selfish and criticize myself - I try to actually use the brain I have been given and think for once deeper, with more meaning, clearer, but clarity eludes me.

I feel alone. I had so many wonderful people in my life, and they've all disappeared. It was mostly my fault - leaving so suddenly, giving cause to anger, disappointment, perhaps even something more sinister. I try to explain what happened, I try to tell them about my life, but instead of finding the support I hoped to have, they only offer friendly criticism, sadness, and suggestions I never wished to hear.

I've taken to re-read all the Harry Potter books, from last to first. It has kept my mind and imagination occupied. It's interesting to read them in this order...easier to see how everything connects. I enjoy finding the subtle relationships that run from book to book. Regardless of the entertainment, I am often astounded at how well thought everything in the little world is shown to me - props to J.K. Rowling, I have always admired her style.

I've kept myself distracted and occupied with busy-work here. Alicia gave me the opportunity to decorate her office; it's been a wonderful experience. I think one of the most surprising qualities about this place are the people and the friendliness they all exude. I will miss it when I return home.

I need a massage.


Here's one of 3 I did for little Hannah's new bedroom.

Snow monsters...

Fairest of them all...

My fall pumpkins

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Time and Changes

Fall is my favorite season. Cold air nips the remnants of summer away, turning well-sunned green leaves into the sultry, deep colors we are all familiar with. The wind brings change, forcing a reluctant spell of warmth and ease into something that requires more attention and detail. Fall weaves beauty effortlessly and reminds me change can be subtle.

I find people friendlier in fall. Is it the chilliness that draws us to cozy up to one another? Is it the general appreciation we all feel towards the wondrous things occurring around us? We dawn our little hats and gloves, smile, then idly live while the unstoppable changes happen around us.

I had a horrible dream last night. I woke up filled with stress and sadness, shaking like a leaf. People who love me, who have supplied my life with advice and comfort became critical, harsh, and disapproving, all condemning me to an eternity of suffering and penance after life. Change was unstoppable; I was helpless. I looked at my dream this morning, tried to examine what it meant. I talked it over with my sister and she clarified things for me in a way few people can. She told me that change, the decisions I "need" to make, the pressures from everyone, even from myself can be forgotten. Taking time, not acting, is equally if not more important than immediately deciding upon things. I feel criticized from everyone important in my life; I feel condemned and looked down upon. I feel hopeless.

So, unlike fall, which is an unstoppable change, a change that comes almost effortlessly, quietly, the changes that occur in my life and when I decide to act upon them can be settled on my terms - pressure on all sides can be ignored, even from myself. We're all so impatient, acting on decisions so quickly, never giving time a chance. I am in repair, a slow, painful overhaul that must happen. I must reject ideals, re-examine them, and take time to decide for myself what must be done. I must question and listen.

Give me time.